Deut 1: 34-46, focusing on vs 41-43
"Then you replied, 'we have sinned against the lord. We will go up and fight, as the lord our God commanded us.' So every one of you put on his weapons thinking it easy to up into the hill country. But the lord said to me, 'Tell them, 'Do not go up and fight, because I will not be with you. You will be defeated by your enemies.'
So I told you, but you would not listen. You rebelled against the lord's command and in your arrogance you marched up into the hill country..."
I thought long and hard about these verses.
As my training in medicine got further along, I found myself trusting in myself more and more. When I make a great diagnosis I celebrate myself. If I feel like the day went poorly, I critique myself. Either way, I act as if it is Me that will determine the welfare of others that day.
However, as the hospital begins to fill with patients during the COVID19 pandemic, I realize I am now in a position where I don't have sufficient knowledge or resources to do enough for the sick. I find myself not able to predict what the outcome will be for patients. I have to do what I can, and then commit it to God's hands. I cannot guarantee the outcome I want for anyone.
Unconsciously, I think I was becoming proud like the Israelites that wanted to go up into the hill country to fight, because they thought they had the power to guarantee a victory. Instead of asking God, relying on God, or waiting on God, they just trusted themselves. These days, I am humbled, reminded of what I don't know and what I can't do. As a result, I find myself praying more, and of looking towards God throughout the day.
During this difficult time, I am glad these verses remind me to think about my relationship with God. I find comfort in realizing that I'm not in my position just because the medical board says I'm qualified. I'm also there because that is where God has called me to be. Remembering that has given me great comfort and confidence.